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China divorce lawyer give you advice when you decide you get divorced with your Chinese Husband or Wife

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You are in the midst of a transition you never imagined having to face.  Separation can be a time of anguish, confusion, broken trust and anger, and even with the very best of intentions you and your spouse can be pulled into a fight that neither of you ever wanted.  While you prepare for what comes next, here are some suggestions that might assist you in keeping yourself together.

Accept that This is Happening

Denial is your most expensive luxury, right now.  If it is possible to work things out with your spouse in a way that saves your relationship, that can be a true blessing.  In the meantime, though, you cannot afford to turn away from the realities of your situation.  Figuring out where you go from here is far more important than who is right and who is wrong.  Let me assure you from personal as well as professional experience: it may not seem true right now, but you will get through this. While your emotions run like a roller coaster toward eventual healing, be sure that you take time to take care of yourself.  Accept the help of your friends.  You might be amazed and moved by just how much emotional support your friends can offer you during this difficult transition.


Keep the Lines of Communication Open

This does not always work, but your divorce will be easier and cheaper, the more that you and your spouse can solve problems facing each other across the dining room table instead of in a courtroom.  The fighting often starts where the communication and trust ends, because there is too much at stake to let things “slide.”  The court can resolve disputes that you cannot, but reaching agreements on your own can save you a tremendous amount of money and anguish.  Especially if you have children together, accept the emotional risk of sitting down together and try to look beyond the problems that brought you to this point.  Put aside the reality of who might be at fault, in hope that by working together you can clear the way forward. If you find that you cannot discuss important issues without argument, consider alternative dispute resolution methods such as mediation; sometimes, adding a skilled "referee" into your discussions - whether a member of the clergy, a mutually-trusted friend or a professional mediator - can bring order to your discussions in a way that the two of you by yourselves might not be able to manage.

Avoid Adding to the Problem

Especially while the two of you still live in the same residence, guard against letting negative emotions make your decisions for you, no matter how much your spouse might provoke you, or how justified you might be.  Spite is another luxury you cannot afford.  Being able to get through your difficult situation with everything you need to regain personal and financial stability matters far more than "setting the record straight" about whose choices may have created the problem.  Help yourself stay out of trouble by making sure to act, and not react (unless things turn violent, which is another matter entirely).  Consider the ways that your own actions might make an already-bad situation still worse, and learn to recognize warning signs that a conflict is beginning to escalate.  If necessary, learn to back away from a situation and give yourself a chance to cool down, especially when you feel that you are being provoked.  If your spouse is the kind of person who has to be “right” all the time, nothing you can do or say is likely to change that.  If he or she is being confrontational and you allow that to set you off, now you are playing your spouse’s game... and rule number one of that game is that you lose.  Be conscious of your words and your gestures, and make sure that nothing you say or do can be interpreted as being violent or physically threatening.

Watch What You Write or Record

Anything that you put on paper, on tape or into email can become evidence. Stay civil and sensible, and avoid the temptation to write down insults and self-justifications.  Your written communications should be polite, simple, and to the point.  Avoid writing anything that you would not willingly answer for in front of a Judge whose job is to distribute assets and to protect children, but not to punish the wicked and reward the virtuous.

Work for Sunshine but Carry an Umbrella

The spare tire and the hardhat are there because when something goes wrong they are handy to have close at hand.  Even a worst-case scenario need not be a disaster, if you have planned ahead.  Part of your lawyer’s job is to consider what can go wrong, so that you can decide what protections you might need.


Talk to a Lawyer

The sooner you learn what might be coming, and what you can do about it, the more choices you have and the better your chance of protecting yourself.  Now is the time to get advice from someone who is very familiar with what you are dealing with, and who can help you avoid trouble before it happens.  A good lawyer is not automatically a “warmonger,” and can often suggest approaches that will help you avoid the need for a fight.

Collect and Secure Financial Records

Now is the time to locate and secure all kinds of records: debt (credit cards included), property, income (for both you and your spouse), investments, taxes, retirement savings plans and pensions, insurance policies, bank statements, etc.  Stop throwing away your old pay stubs, bills, bank statements, etc.  Gather, organize and secure documents having anything to do with money, with special attention to balances and asset values as of both the date of your marriage (if applicable), and the date of your final separation.  Keep these records, or copies of them, in a protected location.  It is always better to have more records than you need, rather than too few.  Avoid writing on them!

Secure Your Personal Property

This is especially true for small, valuable items such as jewelry, and for items of mainly sentimental value that can be easily held hostage, hidden or destroyed.

Secure Your Financial Resources

Might your spouse drain your bank accounts and make the money disappear?  Is there cash in the house that your spouse can seize? Are you financially dependent on your spouse?  During separation and divorce, your circumstances can become more challenging before they get easier. Securing a measure of short-term financial stability for yourself is a wise course.  If you might need to rely on friends and family members to support you for a time, consider discussing your situation with them in advance to find out what kind of safety net might be available to you, and how quickly.

Consider Shutting Down any Joint Credit Lines

Joint credit lines, as well as credit lines for which one spouse is an authorized user, are an invitation for one spouse to get the other deeper into debt.  Sidestep the problem by shutting down joint credit lines and revoking your spouse’s authorization to use your credit cards.  You should get a copy of your credit report to ensure that you did not miss anything, and to verify that no new credit has been taken out in your name and without your knowledge.

If You Are Moving Out, Take Any Property You Need

Emptying your former home to the bare walls is harsh medicine if there is a reasonable alternative, but also consider that whatever property you might need that does not travel with you when you leave is something that you may have to buy again.  Might your spouse be thinking along the same lines?  Right now, either one of you has the ability to take property from where both of you can access it, to a place where only one of you can go.  Judges do not want to have to deal with the “pots and pans,” so it is always wise to assume that if you leave something in the house at the time you move out, you will never see it again.  Most often, a court will assign only a collective “tag sale” value to the contents of the average home.

Discuss the Children

If the two of you have children together your relationship with your spouse will change, but will never end.  It is all too easy for children to get caught up in disputes between their parents, and they will probably be much better off if you can protect them from the worst consequences of your separation.  Children deserve parents who can respect and support their relationship with the other parent.  Your children will adjust to their new situation faster and better if you can shelter them from the issues between the adults.  Separated parents can raise children successfully, if they can find a way to work together for their children’s benefit.  If the court is invited into your custody dispute the judge will try to resolve the situation in a way that best protects children’s best interests, but no judge loves your children or truly knows what is good for them as well as you do.  There simply is no good substitute for two parents working together in the best interest of their children.  Consult your family lawyer for approaches that might help to minimize the prospect of fighting over the custody and welfare of your children.

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